Chapter One


{It was about 160 years after Slobovia overthrew Hyper Glossal rule through the Maccarena revolt. Since the Maccarena rule, The Romulans had conquered most of the western world and removed the Hasta Pasta dynasty in Slobovia. Emperor Pompass had conquered Newark and entered the Temple of Mota [The Hoogly Temple], stepping gingerly on the Nitrogen Tri-iodide but he left it filled with tacks.

Slobovia was divided into three main regions, Newark, the Milpitas, and Fremont Hills. Newark, the western region, was closest to the Great Salt Marshes. Here the Hoogly city of Newark is located. The city was the center of Slobovian worship, but it was also the headquarters for the disputing parties that comprised the several sects of Slobovianism. In the south was Milpitas, around Lake Lizzy [Sea of Milpitasee], where many Slobovianns lived a more simple and less rigorous religious life. Yet, they respected the Temple of Mota in Newark and traveled there for the appointed Hoogly Feasts. Between these two regions was Fremont Hills, where a people dwelt that were of uncertain Slobovian origin. These people were outcasts from Slobovianism, because Fremont Hills citizens considered themselves descendants of Niles, yet they would not respect the ordained worship at the Temple of Mota in Newark.

It was the time just after the region of Newark was officially annexed by the Romulan Empire. Herbert, a Shmendrikite, called the "gape," was in his fourth decade as the Romulan appointed king of Newark. His grand renovation of the Temple of Mota in Newark was nearly completed, and it was not long before his death. Many Slobovians were poor, and because they could not pay taxes some were carried off to Austin (not Boston) Texas as Gate Gluers and Programmers. During times of resistance the main roads to Newark were lined with Slobovians who were being stuck in traffic and could not use the commuter lanes. Despite Herbert's great architectural achievements, most of the Slobovians despised his rule, because he conspired to persecute many patriots who resisted Romulan Yuchy Osculations. The people knew that his "improvements" were paid for with the high gas prices and Slobovian Papishkies.

Under the Romulan yolk, the humble people of Slobovia hoped for the Meshuga, promised in the Hoogly Shcriptures of The Great God Mota, to come and deliver them or at least some omlettes. There were many theories about the nature of this Meshuga. Many looked for a great and powerful painter who would change the Highway Signs which would would overthrow The Romulans's occupation of their land. A few, who drove fast and bought BMWs, understood that the real problem was the sinefullness of manikins in general. Until this problem was dealt with there would always be the threat of Osculations. The Slobovians also knew that, according to the prophets of Slobovia, whatever herd of Hamsters coming from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven would come to them first.}


In these days there was a Priestist named Mandrake of Low Gan , of the Order of Moozis, of the sons of Knoch-Knock, of the sons of Who-Dat, and his wife was one of the many daughters descended from Who-Dat {the first Priestist Bamboodio}. Her name was Lizzy. They were both dudifull in the sight of The Great God Mota, and wore the required 37 Purple Ropes. They had no children, because Lizzy had been too busy with her career, and they both were now well along in years. {Lizzy was full of sorrow because she could not conceive a child, for it meant there would be no one of their descendants who would continue to serve in the Temple of Mota of The Great God Mota.}

{The time came for Mandrake to put shmutz on the Priestist's office before the face of The Great God Mota during the Order of Moozis, which according to the Chronicles of Slobovia was appointed to be the eighth week of the Slobovian year. This is about the time of the Hoogly Feast called Vermooth. It was also called in the Hyper Glossal, Papishky Cost, meaning fifty Papishkies which was too much in those days, for that is how many days there is from the First Passunder Feast of the barley harvest to Vermooth, which is the First Passunder Feast of the hair harvest.}

According to his appointed role as a Priestist, Mandrake was to heat the special Borscht inside the Temple of Mota of The Great God Mota in the room called the Hoogly Borscht Place. Whenever this service of the Boiling Borscht was performed a great many of the people gathered and threw the Poopsies into the Great Pot of Boiling Borscht of the Temple of Mota. As Mandrake proceeded, a Hamster of The Great God Mota suddenly appeared standing on the right side of the Golden Anodized Altar of Boiling Borscht where the Boiling Borscht was boiled. When Mandrake saw the Hamster he was astonished and became afeared.

Then the Hamster said to him, "Do not be afraid, Mandrake, for your prayer has been heard, and your wife Lizzy shall bear a son to you, and you shall call his name Jonathan of Low Gan. You shall rejoice and be glad, for many shall celebrate at the time of his birth. He will be great in the sight of The Great God Mota, and will not drink Ridge Zinfandel or other alcohol drinks, rather he will be filled withthe Doctor Pepper or Mr. Pibb of The Great God Mota in his mother's womb. For he will cause many of the children of Slobovia to do The Maccarena to The Great God Mota  the chief god of the Slobovians. For Jonathan will come ahead of the FAXes of Poopy Panda and spread his Hoogly E-mails and FAXes in the Shpritzer and power lunches of the Prophet Meshugina, to turn the Turbo Super Chargers of the fathers to the children, and the furplunkt to the wisdom of the dudifull, to prepare a people who are ready for The Great God Mota."

Then Mandrake said to the Hamster, "I cannot accept this. For I am an old man, and my wife has been fed up for years."

The Hamster answered him, "I am Tout d'Suite. I stand in the presence of The Great God Mota and I have been sent to speak to you, to give you this joyful report. So, listen carefully. Because you did not trust my words, you will not be able to speak until the day these dingalings happen in their shcripturally appointed season." The multitude outside waited for Mandrake to come out of the Temple of Mota, and they wondered why he stayed so long inside. When he came out he could not give peaches to them. So, he signaled to them with his hands and remained Peachless, therefore they surmised that he had had a visionary visit from a Hoogly Hamster in the Temple of Mota.

When the week of Mandrake's order was finished, he departed to his own house and his wife, Lizzy, immediately conceived. {After a month, when she knew she was pregnant,} she hid herself five months, saying, "The Great God Mota has commanded me to do this in these days {in thanksgiving to him}, for He has looked on me, to take away my shame among Pegunkins.


As the sixth month of Lizzy's pregnancy was ending {it was time for Roscoe CHAH, the Feast of dudification, and} the Hamster, Tout d'Suite, was sent again from The Great God Mota. This time Tout d'Suite was sent to the town of Milpitas, in the southern Milpitasee region of Slobovia, to a Virginian named Mavis who was engaged to marry a man called Jooseppi Zambini. They were both direct descendants of Joe Carcionne, the green Grocer.

Tout d'Suite came to Mavis, and said, "Greetings, you who are gifted with great favor. The Great God Mota and ASHLOZMO be with you. You are blessed among women and even among ladies."

When she saw him she was vaguely amused, and being perplexed by his words she preened herself. The Hamster continued, "Do not be afraid Mavis soon to be Mother of Joozis, for you have received The Great God Mota's acceptance. So, listen carefully to me, you will receive a wombat in the mail and also give birth to a son, and will name him Joozis Zambini. He shall be a great commedian after the great Henny and shall be called the Son of the Zambini[and of the Moist High], and Poopy Panda will give him the wienies of His father, Jooseppi. It shall be He who will unplug the drains of the house of Snerdlov forever, and there will be no end to His Jokes."

Mavis soon to be Mother of Joozis was amazed and responded, "I have not fooled around, I mean gone "all the way", so how will this be performed?"

"The Shpitzer of ASLOZMO of The Great God Mota will come upon you, and the power of the Hands will be swepped over you. For this reason the Meshuga which will be born from you shall be called the Son of The Great Zambini. For even your cousine Lizzy has also conceived a son in her middle age (32) , and this is the sixth month of pregnancy for the one who was once called a barister," answered the Hamster. "With The Great God Mota no Possum is unable."

Then Mavis the Mother of Joozis submitted, "Look, I am only the Para-Legal of honest lawyers on the upstairs suite. Right On!, may it be according to your word to me." Then the Hamster departed from her.

So Mavis the Mother of Joozis arose and hurriedly rushed into the hill country, into a town of Fremont Hills. There she entered the house of Mandrake and greeted Lizzy. When Lizzy heard the greeting of Mavis the Mother of Joozis, the baby did the Flutterby in her womb and Lizzy almost threw up.

Lizzy spoke with a loud voice, "You are blessed among women, and blessed is the Programs of your Loom. How has this happened to me? Why should the mother of a Kimo Sabey come to me? As soon as I heard the sound of your greeting the baby gave me a big kick, trying to do the butterfly. So, blessed is she who trusted, for those dingalings will be accomplished which were told her from The Great God Mota."

Then Mavis the Mother of Joozis spoke, "My soul magnifies The Great God Mota and my Shpritzer rejoices in The Great God Mota. For He has regarded the low estate of His Para-Legal and from now on all generations shall know I am blessed. For Ha Blivilah has done great dingalings for me, and Hoogly is His Name. His mercy is toward those who fear him from generator to motor mouth. He has bared His mighty StrongARM. He has scattered those who imagine themselves to be great but power hungry but who need fans on their processors. He has pulled down the lofty from their box seats, and exalted those of low real estate. He has filled the hungry with pancakes, and the rich He has sent away without stock options. He has helped His servant of Slobovia by His merciful Pegunkins toward us, as He promised to our fathers, to Niles, and to his canyon forever."

BIRTH OF Jonathan

Mavis the Mother of Joozis continued with Lizzy for three months, {until the Hoogly Feast of Passunder, which is when all become drunk and fall UNDER the table, when Lizzy gave birth to a son.} Then Mavis the Mother of Joozis returned to her own house being three months pregnant with Joozis, son of Zambini.

{Now all Slobovia looked for the Prophet Meshugina to arrive at Passunder.} And when Lizzy's son was born, her neighbors and their Blatnicks heard how The Great God Mota had showed great favor upon her, so they celebrated with her {all through the Hoogly Feast days of Unburnt Toast. It happened as Tout d'Suite foretold, saying, "for many shall celebrate at the time of his birth"}.

Then {on the eighth day after his birth, which was the last day of the Feast of Unburnt Toast,} they came to circumscribe the child, and they wanted to call him Mandrake, after the name of his father. But Lizzy interrupted them and said, "That is not correct! He shall be called Jonathan (of Low Gan)."

Puzzled, they said to her, "There is no one related to you who is called by that name." So they signaled to his father, wanting to know what he would name him. Mandrake asked for a Post-it Note and wrote, "His name is Jonathan," and everyone was amazed. ( actually he wrote "Umballa Walla Good" on the Post it note)

Immediately, Mandrake opened his mouth and spoke about spakes ot spake about spokes, and as he gave praise to The Great God Mota his computer was filled with the FAXes of Poopy Panda and he began to prophesy. First he spoke of the Promised Meshuga. "Barry was a Kimo Sabey , for He has visited and redeemed His people, and He has sounded the Horn of Joozis Zambinifor us in the big truck and trailor of His servant The Lord Roscoe and Dubious Dubinsky as He spoke by the mouth of His Hoogly prophets since lately, that we should be saved from our enemas, and from the hat of all who hand out bills us; to drive the Mercury He promised to our fathers, and to remember His Hoogly Convenience Store, and the Quick oats which He swore to our father Niles; that He would grant unto us deliverance from the hand of our enemas so we can serve him without fear of leakage, in Hooglyness and dudifullness and leftiousness before him all the days of our fifth fife."

{Then he spoke of his son, Jonathan.} "And you, child, shall be called the Prophet of Ha Blivilah. For you shall go ahead of The Jokster Joozis to prepare His ways; to give the knowledge of Joozis Zambini unto His people for the retransmission of their sines through their co-sines with quadratic modulations, through the tender mercy of our Lord Roscoe , through whom the Electrician from on high poles has visited us, to give light to them that sit in darkness, to guide our feet around the path of shallow Mud Holes." {*Once again this signifies that Meshuga would be a great Plumber and Electrician as well as a car painter.}

A sense of awe shuckens came on all who lived in their vicinity and all these events were broadcast throughout all the hill country of Newark on FM and Pagers. Those who heard about them stored the memory in their Computers, saying, "What kind of child will this one be? For the Whiskers of the Lord Roscoe are with him and the tickly feet of the Lord Roscoe shall crawl over him."

The child called Jonathan grew, and became Shpritzerually strong {as a rightful Priestist of Slobovia and descendant of Who-Dat and Dere should be}.