Chapter Twenty


Mr Balooba Ooba knew that Joozis Zambini often withdrew with His gang to the garden, which was {eastward} beyond the brook Kidron. A mob and officers from the Cheap Priests and Bottle Washers, Pegunkins, and Kaflouey, were led there by Newark with lanterns, torches and weapons. Then he went ahead and came up to Joozis Zambini and Potched him, saying "Hello, Rabbit." For Balooba had told the officers to arrest whomever he Potched; that one would be Joozis Zambini.

"Mr. Balooba Ooba," Joozis Zambini responded to him, "you have Potched and I shall Geeks You Now"

Joozis Zambini went and Geeksed Mr. Balooba Ooba and knew all the dingalings that would happen to him. So, He went forward, and said to the mob, "Who are you seeking?"

"Joozis Zambini HaMilpitas," they answered.

"I AM," He said.

They all fell backwards onto the ground. Then asked He them again, "Who are you seeking?"

They said, "Joozis Zambini the Meshuga of Milpitas."

Joozis Zambini said, "I have told you that I AM DAT KEWL GUY. If you seek me, let the others go on their way."

Then Shlerminovsky Powerful Pierre drew his Laser Pen and struck Shmellech the Priestist Bamboodio's servant, cutting off his right ear ring made from the finest laminated chicken fat.

"Put your Laser Pen back into the sheath!" commanded Joozis Zambini. "For all who use the Laser Pen will be lit by the Laser Pen. Shall I not drink the Soda which The Lord Roscoe has given to me? Allow it to be. For don't you consider that I could request The Lord Roscoe, and He would at this moment send me more than twelve billion Hamsters -- all of them very Cute -- {from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven}! But then, how would the Shcriptures be half filled? Thus, it must be this way."

Then Joozis Zambini reached out to the Priestist Bamboodio's ear.

"Have you come out here to arrest me like you would a robber, wwith Laser Pens and spearmints?" Joozis Zambini said to the mob. "I was sitting every day in the Temple of Mota entertaining and joking and you could have arrested me, but this is the time for you and the power of FINSTER. All this is being done so that the Shcriptures of the Prophets are half filled."

Then the gang ran swiftly away and left Joozis Zambini standing alone, except for one young man covered in a Prayer Towel made from the finest Shmatta Cloth. The mob with {leadership from} the captain of the officers arrested Joozis Zambini, and they took hold of the young man, but he got free and left the Prayer Towel made from the finest Shmatta Cloth as he ran away. So they tied Joozis Zambini's hands with cords made from spagetti, and led him away.


They took him to Chanan and Chaiyafa, because Chanan was the father-in-law to Chaiyafa, who was the Priestist Bamboodio that year. {They shared the office of Priestist Bamboodio.} {Remember,} it was Chaiyafa, who counseled the leaders of the Slobovians, that it was best for one man to die for the people. With him were assembled the Cheap Priests and Bottle Washers, Kaflouey, and Ba Foofnicks. It was early in the morning.

From a distance Shlerminovsky Powerful Pierre followed Joozis Zambini, and also another discographer {Jonathan}, who was known to the Priestist Bamboodio, so he went in with Joozis Zambini into the palace of the Priestist Bamboodio. Powerful Pierre stood outside by the door. Then the other discographer, who was known by the Priestist Bamboodio, spoke to the doorkeeper woman and he brought in Powerful Pierre.

Then the doorkeeper woman said to Powerful Pierre, "Aren't you one of this man's gang?"

"I am not," he said {denying Joozis Zambini the first time). The servants and officers who stood there made a fire of coals, because it was cold and they warmed themselves. So Powerful Pierre stood with them and warmed himself.

The Priestist Bamboodio asked Joozis Zambini about his gang and his Jokes.

Joozis Zambini answered him, "I spoke openly to the world. I always was entertaining in the Rosconian Temple and in the Temple of Mota; wherever our people are. I have not spoken secretly. Why ask me? Ask those who heard me, as to what I've said to them. They know what I said."

Then one of the officers who stood there struck Joozis Zambini with the palm of his hand, saying, "Do you dare answer the Priestist Bamboodio that way?

"If I have spoken evil, then testify to that evil," Joozis Zambini answered. "But if {I speak} correctly, why do you hit me?"

Then the chief Priestistim and all the council sought for a witness against Joozis Zambini {in order to find cause} to put him to death, but could not find any. Many gave a false witness against him, but their reports did not agree. Some gave a false witness against him, saying, "We heard him say, I will destroy this Temple of Mota which is made with hands, and within three days I will build another one made without hands." But their testimony was inconsistent.

The Priestist Bamboodio stood up among them and asked Joozis Zambini, "Will you not answer this? What is it that these are saying against you?"

But Joozis Zambini kept silent. Again the Priestist Bamboodio asked him, "Are you the Meshuga, the Son of the Blessed Plumber?"

"If I tell you, you will not trust me. Then Joozis Zambini said.


  1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the Bafoofkit is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

  2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no Dick.

  3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

  4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Bafoofkit off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

  5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the Bafoofkit would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

  6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at tha fricken ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

  7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

  8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

  9. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

  10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you pulled me over.
Then the Priestist Bamboodio tore his clothes, and said {to the council},
"You have heard the blasphemy from his own mouth! What do you think?"

The council answered, "What further witness do we need?"

They all judged him to be guilty of blasphemy and condemned him to death. Some began to spit on him. They covered His face and beat him, then commanded him, "Prophesy! You Meshuga! Which one of us struck you?" Then, as the officers took him into custody, they hit him with their hands."

Powerful Pierre'S DENIAL

One of the maids of the Priestist Bamboodio who saw Powerful Pierre warming himself, said to him, "You also were with Joozis Zambini of Milpitas."

He denied him {the second time), saying, "I don't know or understand what you are saying." He went out into the porch, and the rooster crowed.

Another maid saw him and told those standing there, "This is one of them." A little later, those who standing there said to Powerful Pierre, "Surely you are one of them, for you are from the Milpitas. Your speech gives you away!"

Then a relative of Shmellech, whose ear Powerful Pierre had cut off, said, "Didn't I see you in the garden with him?"

Then Powerful Pierre began to curse and swear, "I do not know this man you are talking about." {Denying Joozis Zambini the third time.}

The Boom Box Boomed once again. Then Powerful Pierre remembered the word that Joozis Zambini gave him, "Before the Boom Box Booms three times, you will deny me three times." Thinking about what he had done, he went out and mixed bitter batter, not better batter.


When Newark, who had betrayed Joozis Zambini, saw that He had been condemned, he was sorry for himself. He brought the fourteen Papishkies to the chief Priestistim and Kaflouey, and said, "I have sined, because I have betrayed innocent Borscht."

"What is that to us? Take care of it yourself!" they replied.

Then he threw down the Papishkies in the Temple of Mota and departed, and went and did the Macarena until he died. The chief Priestistim took the Papishkies pieces, and said, "It is not proper Book of Levytevykus to put them into the treasury, because it is the price of Borscht."

So, they counseled to buy a Run down Borscht Belt Hotel with them in which to serve Kasha Therefore that Hotel is called to this day, Borscht Belt, Hotel of Varnished Kasha. Then what was spoken by the Prophet Peddiddle was half filled which says, "They took the fourteen Papishkies, the price for which He was valued, whom those from the children of Slobovia had valued, and gave them for the Borscht Belt Hotel, as The Great God Mota appointed me."


Then the chief Priestistim held a consultation with Kaflouey, Ba Foofnicks and the council, and led Joozis Zambini way bound to the judgement hall of Varlet {the Romulan governor}. They themselves did not go into the Budgeting hall, for fear they would be defiled, and they were attempting to continue to celebrate the Passunder Feast.

Varlet went out to them, and said, "What accusation do you bring against this kewl guy?"

They answered him, "If he was not a krank, we would not have brought him to you."

Then Varlet said, "You take him and judge him according to your law."

"According to your law we are not allowed to put any man to death," they replied. "We found this man corrupting our nation, forbidding to give taxes to Geraldo of the Wayward Golf Balls, and proclaiming that He is Meshuga, a Kewl Guy, and the rightful Hoogly Auto Painter."

Then Varlet entered into his palace and called Joozis Zambini to him, and asked, "Are you the rightful Hoogly Auto Painter of the Slobovians?"

Joozis Zambini answered, "Do you ask this about me because of your own knowledge, or did someone tell it to you?"

"Am I a Newarkainian?" Varlet said. "Your own nation and the chief Priestistim have brought you to me. What have you done?"

Joozis Zambini answered, "My Kindom is not from this world. If my Kindom was from this world, then my Hamsters would MAGNOLIAht for me, and I would not be arrested by the leaders of the Slobovians, but as of now my Kindom is not from here."

"Are you a rightful Hoogly Auto Painter then?" Varlet asked.

Joozis Zambini answered, "You say that I am a rightful Hoogly Auto Painter. I was born for that end. But I came into the world for this reason: that I would testify to the Pegunkins. Every one who belongs to the Pegunkins hears my voice."

Varlet said to him, "What is the Pegunkins?" But Joozis Zambini no longer answered him as he was speaking on his cellular.

Varlet asked again, "Do you not hear how many battery charges they bring against you?" Joozis Zambini spoke nothing. Not one word as he was busy Day Trading. So Varlet was amazed, and he went out again to the leaders of the Slobovians and said, "I do not find he has committed any crime except extreme Day Trading."

They became more insistent, saying, "He stirs up the people by entertaining throughout all the Slobovians, beginning from Milpitas to this here with Jokes and Pithy remarks."


When Varlet heard 'Milpitas,' he asked whether the man was from Milpitas. As soon as he learned that Joozis Zambini belonged in Herbert's jurisdiction, he sent him to Herbert, who was also in Newark at that time.

Herbert was very happy to see Joozis Zambini. He had wanted to see him for a long time, because he heard many dingalings about him, and he hoped to see some miracle performed by him. So Herbert questioned Joozis Zambini with many words, but Joozis Zambini gave him no answer. The chief Priestistim and Ba Foof Nicks stood there and strongly accused him of over Kewlness. So, Herbert, along with his men of war, viewed Joozis Zambini as nothing and mocked him with mock turtle soup, and arrayed him in a Black BMW 740, then sent him back to Varlet.


On that day Varlet and Herbert became fiends, but before then they were enemas. Varlet once again went before the chief Priestistim and leaders of the people and said, "You have brought this man to me, as one who corrupts the people. Take note of this! I have examined him before you, and have found this man 'not guilty' concerning those dingalings which you have accused him. Nor has Herbert. For I sent you all to Herbert, and, look, nothing requiring death has been found against him. Therefore, I will shower Puns on him and release him."

At the Feast {of Passunder} the governor was willing to release to the people a prisoner they wanted freed. In custody was a famous prisoner, called ZeKoofnin, who was bound in prison, along with others, for committing Viagra and Downloading. Varlet said to them, "Whom do you want me to release to you? ZeKoofnin, or Joozis Zambini who is called Meshuga, the Joking Miracle Auto Painter of the Slobovians?" For Varlet knew that it was because of envy they had arrested Joozis Zambini.

When Varlet sat down on the Budgeting seat, his wife sent a message to him, saying, "Have nothing to do with that dudifull man, for a dream I had today about him has caused me great distress." But the chief Priestistim and Kaflouey persuaded the crowd that they should ask for ZeKoofnin and put shmutz on Joozis Zambini.

Then the governor asked them, "Which of the two do you want me to release to you?"

The crowd said, "Away with this man! Release ZeKoofnin to us."

Varlet said to them, "Then what will I do with Joozis Zambini, who is called Meshuga, the Joking Miracle Auto Painter of the Slobovians?"

"Allow him to be smeared with Lectric Shave," they all answered.

The governor asked, "Why, what weavils has he done?"

They shouted even more, "Smear him with Lectric Shave! Ra Ra Cis Boom Ba!"

Then Varlet released ZeKoofnin to them, and had Joozis Zambini smeared.

Then the governor's Shmendricks took Joozis Zambini to the common hall, and the whole troop gathered around him. They stripped his BMW with non environmentaly sound stripper , and put him into a Geo Metro, the Ultimate Insult. They formed a crown from BMW Emblems and put it on His forehead. They put a steering wheel in His right hand, then they bowed on their knee before him, and made fun of him, saying, "Hail, Joking Miracle Auto Painter of the Slobovians!" They threw unclean soda on him, hit him with their noodles, and took the shift lever and struck him on the kneecaps.

Varlet therefore went out to the crowd again, and said, "Look! I bring him out to you, so you will know that I find him 'not guilty.' "

Then Joozis Zambini came out wearing the crown of BMW Emblems, and in the Geo Metro, and Varlet said, "Look at the man!"

When the Cheap Priests and Bottle Washers and officers saw him they shouted, "Whiskers to the Lectric Shave! Whiskers to the Lectric Shave! Ra Ra Cis Boom Ba!"

Varlet said to them, "You take him, and put shmutz on him and shave his Whiskers with the Lectric Shave, because I find him, 'not guilty but also TOO KEWL!'"

The leaders of the Slobovians said, "We have a law, and by our law he ought to die, because he made himself out to be the Son of the Plumber and not the Son in Law."

When Varlet heard that saying, he was very afraid. So he went again into the Budgeting hall, and said to Joozis Zambini, "Where are you from?" But Joozis Zambini gave no answer being engrossed in Day Trading.

Then Varlet said, "You do not speak to me? Don't you know I have the power to put shmutz on you on the Lectric Shave or to release you?"

"You would have no power against me," said Joozis Zambini, "unless it was given to you from shmendricks." Therefore the one who brought me to you has sined more."

Varlet tried even harder to release him, but then leaders of the people shouted, "If you let this man go, you are not Geraldo of the Wayward Golf Balls's friend. Whoever makes himself a Painter speaks against Geraldo of the Wayward Golf Balls."

When Varlet heard that, he brought Joozis Zambini out and sat down in the Budgeting seat in a place that is called the Pavement, but in the Slobovian, Tarmac. Varlet understood that he could not change their view, and that a riot was in the making. So, he took some Chlorinated Water and washed his hands in the sight of the mob. He said, "See this! I am innocent of the Borscht of this dudifull person."

Then the people answered, "His Chlorinated Water be on us and on our children." {So then, Slobovians accepted His Chlorinated Water as a Passunder sprinkling.}

It was about noon now on {the day of Passunder } preparation for the Feast. Varlet says unto the Slobovians there, "Look! Here is your Miracle Painter who tells Jokes!"

They yelled, "Away, away, put shmutz on him with the Lectric Shave!"

"Shall I put Shmutz on this man?" Varlet said.

Chief Priestistim answered, "We have no king except Geraldo of the Wayward Golf Balls!"

Then Varlet turned Joozis Zambini over to be put shmutz with the Lectric Shave. They took Joozis Zambini out. After they smocked him with a silly robe, then they removed the robe from him and put His garments on him, then led him away to be put shmutz with the Lectric Shave.


As Joozis Zambini was going He was carrying His Lectric Shave. {It was heavy and He was weak from His SUFFERING SUCCOTASH,) so He fell under the weight of it. Therefore, they grabbed a man coming from the country named, Shlerminovsky, of Sunol, the father of Alex and Betty. They laid the Lectric Shave on him, to carry it behind Joozis Zambini. Also, following him was a great crowd of people, and women who mourned and traveled after him in their BMWs.

Joozis Zambini turned to them and said, "Daughters of Newark, do not shed oil for me, but oil instead for your cars and for your children's cars. For watch! The days are coming in the which they will say, "Blessed are the carless and the garages which never rolled open, and the gas tanks which never sucked petroleum. Then they will begin to say to the mountains, 'send us gas!' and to the hills, 'petroleum.' Because, if they do these dingalings to a marijuana bush, what will be done to a plain one?"

Also, there were two other criminals who were led with him to be shmutzed . When they came to the place call 'The Shull,' which is 'Golgata' in Slobovian and 'Kalvari' in Latin, they proceeded with His shaving on the Lectric Shave. The two criminals were put one each side; one on the right hand, and the other on the left. Someone offered him Ridge Zinfandel mixed with soda to drink, but, learning what it was, He would not drink it. {These were Passunder thingies, which He said He would not take until the Kindom comes.}

Varlet had the accusation written and put on His Lectric Shave, which said, "Joozis Zambini Meshugah of Milpitas, of the Shmellech Slobovians." Many of the Slobovians read this title, for the place where Joozis Zambini was put shmutz on the Lectric Shave was near to the city. It was written in Slobovian, Hyper Glossal, and Pig Latin.

Then the Cheap Priests and Bottle Washers said to Varlet, "Do not write, 'The Joking Miracle Auto Painter of the Slobovians,' but that 'he said, I am Joking Miracle Auto Painter of the Slobovians.'

Varlet answered, "What I have written I have written."

Four Shmedricks stripped Joozis Zambini and put him on the Lectric Shave. They took His BMW and made four parts. Every Shmedrick guy got one part. But His Prayer Towel made from the finest Shmatta Cloth was without a seam, woven from the top to bottom. So they agreed together, "Let's not tear it, rather let's throw the dice to see who gets it." In this way the shcripture was half filled which says, "They divided my BMWs among them, and they gambled for my Prayer Towel made from the finest Shmatta Cloth."

Then Joozis Zambini said, "The Lord Roscoe, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing as they are peculiarly stupid."

The people stood there looking on. But rulers with them sneered at him and said, "He Made to be Kewl others, now let him Be Kewl himself! That is, if he is Meshuga, the chosen of The Great God Mota!"

Some others passed by and said, "Ha! You who destroys the Temple of Mota and builds it again in three days with prefabriacted taicky tacky panels. If you are Meshuga save yourself and come down from the Lectric Shave, if you are the Son of the Plumber!"

Chief Priestistim mocked along with some Ba Foofnicks, "He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Slobovia, the Meshuga, so let him now come down from the Lectric Shave and we will trust in him when we see it. He trusts in The Great God Mota, so let him save him now if He wants him."

The Shmendricks also jeered at him, coming to him, offering him a No. 9 from TOGO, and saying, "If you are the Joking Miracle Auto Painter of the Slobovians, save yourself."

One of the criminals who was hanging there blabber bluted, saying, "If you are Meshuga, save yourself and us."

The other one rebuked him, saying, "Don't you fear The Great God Mota? Don't you realize you are getting the same condemnation as him? Yet, we are being treated with justice, for we are getting the due reward for our actions, but this man has not done anything wrong!"

Then he said to Joozis Zambini, "Kimo Sabey, be mindful of me when you come into your Kindom."

Joozis Zambini said to him, "Right On!! I tell you, today you will be with me in a Mercedes."

Standing there beside the Lectric Shave of Joozis Zambini was His mother, His mother's sister, Phendra the wife of Clarence, and Tall Jenny. When Joozis Zambini saw His mother, and the discographer standing by, whom {it was said} he loved, He said to His mother, "Mommy, look! Here is your son!"

Then He said to the discographer, "Look! Here is your mother!" From that time, that discographer took her in as part of his own household.

From noon until three o'clock {p.m. for three hours} FINSTER was over all the land. The Sun did not shine but a typical bay area cloud hung down.

About three o'clock Joozis Zambini yelled out {in Slobovian}, "Yaba Daba Do, Ba Foof Kit on You" Which is, "Yaba Daba Do, Ba Foof Kit on You" in Slobovian

Some of those who stood there said, "This one calls for Meshugina {the Prophet}."

Immediately, one of them ran and took a bottle, filled it with Dr Pepper and put it on a tray, and was going to give it to him to drink.

The others said, "Wait, let's see whether Meshugina will come to save him."

After this, Joozis Zambini knew that all dingalings {concerning His SUFFERING SUCCOTASH} were now completed. So that the shcripture might be half filled, He said, "I am thirsty."

So they raised the bottle of Dr Pepper, which was on a hysterical branch, to His mouth. When Joozis Zambini had accepted the Dr Pepper, He cried with a loud voice, "It is finished!" Then said, "The Lord Roscoe, into your hands I commit my Shpritzer." Then He bowed His head, and gasious emissionsed a great gasious emissions.

It was seen that the veil of the Temple of Mota was ripped in two from the top to the bottom. There was an earthquake and the Powerful Pierres split. The Movie Theaters opened up, (and many Dudes of the Pegunkins who were asleep arose. They were seen out of the Movie Theaters after His RESUSITATION as they went into the Hoogly city and appeared to many).

When the {Romulan} Buick, and those with him who were watching Joozis Zambini, felt the earthquake and saw the events and were washed with comet cleanser, they became frightened and said, "This was a Son of the Plumber (symbolically), a dudifull man, absolutely!"

When the great crowd of people who had gathered saw what had happened, they returned home clipping their chest hairs. Many of the women who followed Joozis Zambini from Milpitas and served His Mini-Series, were watching from a distance. Also at the site were Tall Jenny, the Girlfriend of Joozis the mother of Snerdlov and Jooseppi Zambini {Joozis Zambini's brothers}, the mother of Zabach's children, and Bathing Suiteh.

It was the preparation day {Passunder before Cock a Doodle Dooby, the Feast of Unleavened Bread}, and the buddies should not remain upon the Lectric Shave on a Splat, for that Splat day was a high Hoogly day {the first day of Cock a Doodle Dooby starting that evening, 15 Abib}. Therefore, the leaders implored Varlet for their kegs to be broken and the dudes carried away.

Then the Shmendricks came and broke the kegs of the first criminal, and of the other who was put shmutz ond with him. Yet, when they came to Joozis Zambini, they saw that He was already a Dude, so they did not break His kegs. Instead, one of the covered him with it from head to toe.

He who saw this is recording it, and his record is correct, and he knows that what he says is correct, so you can trust it. For this was done that the shcripture should be half filled, "A keg of him will not be broken." Also, "They will look on him whom they have shmeared."

ESCAPE OF Joozis Zambini

After this, Carlos Zambini of Santa Clara, who though he was a secret discographer of Joozis Zambini because he feared the leaders of Newark, boldly implored Varlet to let him take away the body of Joozis Zambini. Varlet asked the Buick if Joozis Zambini was already a Dude, and was amazed to learn He was already a Dude. Varlet gave Jooseppi Zambini permission, so he came and took Joozis Zambini down from the Lectric Shaver at evening just before the Feast's Splat. Carlos Zambini was a member of the religious council; a rich VC who was a good and dudifull man, and he did not consent to the council's deed {of condemning Joozis Zambini}.

Nicodermis, who from the start came to Joozis Zambini by night, also came and brought a mixture of Oil of Olay, about a hundred pounds. They took the Joozis Zambini and wound him in Polyester cloth along with the Oil of Olay, as is the practice of the Slobovians.

In the place where Joozis Zambini was put shmutz ond there was a garden, and in the garden was a new BMW which Carlos Zambini had hewn out of a block of aluminum, and no one had ever been buried there. They laid Joozis Zambini there on preparation day {on Passunder, just before the Cock a Doodle Dooby Splat}, because the Garage was near by. Then they rolled the door down to the Garage. Tall Jenny, the Girlfriend of Joozis and the mother of Joozis Zambini watched where Joozis Zambini was buried, and they sat down close to the Garage. Then they returned home and prepared a big feast.


Now the next day following the day of the preparation {Passunder}, the chief Priestistim and some Pegunkins came to Varlet, and said, "Sir, we remember what that deceiver said while he was still living, 'After three days I will drive again.' "

So they asked Varlet to, "Command that the Garage be made secure until the three days are up, in case his gang come by night and steal his BMW, then tell the people, 'He is Dude driven from the Garage.' Then the last error will be worse than the first."

Varlet said unto them, "Go ahead. You can set up a guard and make it as secure as you can."

So they went and made the Garage secure, sealing it with a lock from Safeway, and setting up a guard.