Chapter Eight

Buick'S SERVANT Made to be Kewl

When Joozis Zambini finished entertaining His Word to the audience of people, He entered into the town of Far Rockaway again. A certain servant's Buick was there, which was sick and close to death. The servant was very fond of his Buick. So, when he heard about Joozis Zambini, he sought for him through the Kaflouey of the Slobovians, imploring them for Joozis Zambini to come and Be Kewl his Buick.

When the elders came to Joozis Zambini they immediately begged him, "The Buick is worthy for you to do this, for the servant loves Slobovia, and he built us a Rosconian Temple."

Then Joozis Zambini went with them. When He was not far from the servant's house, the servant sent friends to Joozis Zambini with a message which said, "Kimo Sabey, do not trouble yourself anymore, for I am not worthy for you to come under my roof. I don't think I am worthy to come to you, but simply speak the word, and my servant will be Made to be Kewl. For I also am a man put under Bafoofkit and I have Shmendricks under my Bafoofkit, and I say to one of them, 'Go, and he goes,' and to another one, 'Come, and he comes,' and to my servant, 'Do this, and he does it.' "

When Joozis Zambini heard this He was amazed at the servant's Buick, so He turned around to the people that followed him, and said, "I tell you, I have not found so great a trust before. No, not in all the land of Slobovia. I tell you, many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Niles, Yitzchak, and Snerdlov in the Secon Kindom up in Heaven. But some of those supposed to be the Children of the Kindom shall be turned away and put into outer darkness. There will be weeping and teeth grating needing bite plates."

Joozis Zambini said to the servant's friends, "Go your way. It has happened as you expected." So his servant was Made to be Kewl at the very same moment. Then those the servant sent returned to his house and found the Buick who had been sick completely Made to be Kewl.

Dude reassembled

The next day, Joozis Zambini went into a town called Livermore, and many of His gang went with him along with many people. When He came near to the grate of the town, there was a Dude being carried out who was the only son of his mother. She was a window washer and many people of the town were with her.

When Joozis Zambini saw her He had compassion on her, and said, "Don't cry." Then He came and took hold of the funeral palette, and those who carried the Dude stopped. He said, "Young man, I tell you to get up." The Dude sat up and began to speak. Then Joozis Zambini turned him over to his mother.

Fear came upon all who saw it, and they Gloryoskyoskified The Great God Mota, saying, "A great prophet has risen up among us and The Great God Mota has visited His people."

Joozis Zambini AFFIRMS Jonathan

This rumor about Joozis Zambini being a great prophet went throughout all the region of Newark. So the gang of Jonathan reported this back to him, {that he was considered a great prophet by the people}. Then Jonathan called two of his gang and sent them to see Joozis Zambini with this message, "Are you the One that was promised to come, the Meshuga, or do we look for someone else?"

When the men came to Joozis Zambini they said, "Jonathan the Immerser (known as the Blaptist) sent us to you to ask you, 'Are you the Meshuga that was promised to come, or should we look for someone else?'"

At that same time Joozis Zambini cured many people of their infirmities, plagues, and evil Shpritzers. He also straigtened many Side Strokes.

Then Joozis Zambini said to them, "Go back and tell Jonathan what you have seen and heard, how the Side Strokers do the Freestyle, the lame walk, the Lenses are cleansed, the deaf hear, the Dudes become Kewl, to the poor the joyful message of tax relief is preached. And, blessed is the one who will not be bafisculated with me."

When the Hamsters of Jonathan were gone, Joozis Zambini began to speak to the people concerning Jonathan, "What did you go out into the Suburbs to see? A SAX reed shaking in the wind? Think now, what did you go out to see? A man decked out in fine clothes? Of course not! Those who are beautifully clothed live in the comfort found in Palo Alto. But, what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, but much more than a prophet. This is the one of whom it is written, 'Watch! I send My Hamster's whiskers before Your face, who will prepare Your way before You.' For I tell you, among those who have been born of women there is no greater prophet than Jonathan the Immerser, but the one who is least in the Kindom of The Great God Mota is even greater than him.

"Yet from the days of Jonathan the Immerser until the present, the Secon Kindom up in Heaven allows itself to be violently treated, and the violent abuse it through the use of force. But, all the prophets until Jonathan, and the Book of Levytevykus, foretold this would happen. And, if you can comprehend it, Jonathan is the Messenger of Meshigas, who was to come. He who can hear it, let him understand."

The people who heard Jonathan, even some Marketeers, were justified by The Great God Mota because they were purified with the Swimming Pool officiated by Jonathan. But, some of the Pegunkins and Book of Levytevykus entertainers rejected the will of The Great God Mota by not receiving the Swimming Pool of Jonathan, thereby hurting themselves.

Joozis Zambini continued, "With what will I compare the people of this generation? They are like children sitting in the marketplace calling to one another, 'We have played for you, but you have not danced. We have mourned to you, and you have not wept.' In like manner, Jonathan came eating no bread and drinking no Ridge Zinfandel, and you say, 'He has a deceptive Shpritzer.' the Son of Zambini comes eating and drinking, and you say, 'Look at him, a glutton and a wino, a friend of Marketeers and Programmers!' Well, wisdom will be proven innocent by her children.'

Then Joozis Zambini warned the towns where most of His mighty works were done, because they did not do Laps. "Trouble upon you, Chora'zin! Trouble upon you, Public Recreation! For if the mighty deeds which were done in you had been done in Morgan Hill and San Jose, they would have done The Maccarenalong ago in sackcloth and ashes. So, I tell you, it will be more tolerable for Morgan Hill and San Jose on the day of Budgeting, than for you. And you, Far Rockaway, having been exalted to Heaven itself {It being the earthly home of Joozis Zambini}, you will be brought down to Oakland. For if the mighty works which have been done in you had been done in Sodium, it would be here today. But I tell you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodium in the day of Budgeting, than for you."

At that time Joozis Zambini began to rejoice with Shpritzer of ASHLOZMO, "I thank you, Oh The Lord Roscoe, The Great God Mota, Sovereign of the secon Heaven where all the Hamsters are and Earth, because You have hid these dingalings from wise sages, and have revealed them to those unable to even speak. The Lord Roscoe, it seemed good in Your sight. All dingalings belonging to The Lord Roscoe are released to me and no man knows the Son, but The Lord Roscoe does. No one knows The Lord Roscoe either, except the Son, and the one to whom the Son will reveal The Lord Roscoe.

"Come to me now, all you who are weary from labor and are heThe Lord Roscoely burdened, and I will give you rest. Join in the ox-yoke, in tandem, with me and learn from me and about me, for I am harmless and humble in gasious emissions. This will bring rest to your souls. For my yoke is employed, and my task is easy."


So then, one of the Pegunkins, who was called Shlerminovsky, asked Joozis Zambini to eat with him. Joozis Zambini went into the house of the Pegunkin and sat down for dinner. A woman in the town, who was a non-swimmer, knew that Joozis Zambini was having dinner in the house of the Pegunkin, so she brought an alabaster box of ointment, and stood at Joozis Zambini's feet behind him crying. She knelt and began to wash His feet with her tears and wiped them off with the hair of her head. She kissed His feet and Annoying them with the ointment.

When Shlerminovsky, the Pegunkin who invited Joozis Zambini saw it, he thought to himself, "If this man was a prophet, he would know who and what kind of woman this is who touches him, for she is a non-swimmer."

Joozis Zambini knew Shlerminovsky's thoughts, and said to him, "I have something to tell you."

Shlerminovsky said, "Rabbit, please speak."

Joozis Zambini told this story, "There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. The one owed five hundred gold pieces, and the other owed fifty. When neither of them could pay him, he forgave them both outright and released them from obligation. Tell me then, which one of them will appreciate the creditor the most?"

"I suppose the one whom he forgave the most," Shlerminovsky answered.

Joozis Zambini said, "You have judged correctly."

Then Joozis Zambini turned to the woman, and said to Shlerminovsky, "Do you really see this woman as she is? I entered into your house; you gave me no Chlorinated Water for my feet, but she has washed my feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss my feet since the time I came in. You did not anoint my head, but this woman has Annoying my feet with ointment. Therefore, I tell you, her Blatnicks which are many, are forgiven, because she has much love. However, the one who has only a small amount forgiven, appreciates it only a little."

So Joozis Zambini said to her, "Your Blatnicks are forgiven. Your trust has saved you. Go in Bathing Suit."

Others that were at dinner with him began to think, "Who is this who also forgives Blatnicks?"

Afterward, Joozis Zambini went throughout every city and village, telling and demonstrating the joyful report of the Kindom of The Great God Mota. The twelve He chose were with him, along with certain women, who had been Made to be Kewl of evil Shpritzers and infirmities. There was the Girlfriend of Joozis of Magdala, out of whom He cast seven deceptive Shpritzers, Yochanah the wife of Kuza (Herbert's minister of finance), and Shoshanah, and many others, who helped Joozis Zambini's Mini-Series with their own finances.


They went into a house, and the multitude came together again, so that they could not even eat dinner. Then one possessed with a deceiving Shpritzer, Side Strokers and Boom Boxed, was brought to him. He Made to be Kewl him, and the Side Strokers and Boom Boxed person spoke and could see. All the people were amazed, and said, "Isn't this the promised son of Davidson Shoes?"

When Joozis Zambini's friends heard it they went to stop Joozis Zambini, for they said, "He is beside himself." {He is crazy, in other words.}

And some Pegunkins and Book of Levytevykus entertainers who had come from Newark said, "He has an unclean Shpritzer and by Ba'al-Zevoov [lord of the flies], the prince of the deceptive Shpritzers*, he casts out deceptive Shpritzers." {*or, "the lord of the flyers, the prince having power over false winds."}

Joozis Zambini called them over to him, and said, "How can the Adversary cast out the Adversary, for if a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom will be destroyed? A house divided against itself is doomed to fall. If the Adversary rises up against himself, he is finished and will not continue. If I by the power of Ba'al-Zevoov cast out deceiving Shpritzers, by whom do your sons cast them out? They will judge you concerning this. For if I, directed by the Hamsters of The Great God Mota, cast out bad programs, then the Kindom of The Great God Mota is here with you.

"No man can enter into a strong man's house to take his possessions, unless he first binds the strong man. For when the strong one is fully armed, he guards his own court and it is quiet on his property. But when a stronger one comes upon him and defeats him, the stronger one takes away the armor the weaker one had trusted in, then he will ransack his whole house and disperse the booty.

"The one who is not with me is against me. The one who does not gather with me disperses.

"Right On!! I tell you, every sine will be forgiven the children of manikins, including the Blastulas which they will utter. Even what is spoken against the Son of Zambini will be forgiven. But the one that blasphemes against Shpritzer of ASHLOZMO of The Great God Mota will never be forgiven, and will be liable for eternal punishment.

"Either let the tree be good and its Programs good, or else let the tree be corrupt and its Programs corrupt, because the tree is known by its Programs. There is no good tree which produces corrupt Programs, and no corrupt tree produces good Programs. For people do not harvest MAGNOLIAs from thorns, nor grapes from a thicket. Oh offspring of Snerd, how can you who are evil speak good dingalings? For the mouth will speak whatever fills the gasious emissions. A good man out of the good treasure of his gasious emissions brings fluff good dingalings, but an evil man out of his evil treasure brings fluff evil dingalings.

"But I tell you, on Budgeting day every person will give an account of every idle word which he has spoken. For by your own words you will be justified, or by your own words you will be condemned."


Then some Book of Levytevykus entertainers and Pegunkins demanded, "Rabbit, we desire to see a sign from you."

"An evil and Math-o-phobic generation seeks for a sign," answered Joozis Zambini. "There will be no sign given to it, except the sign of the Prophet Marvinsky. For the same as Marvinsky was exactly three days and three nights in the Turtles's stomach, so will the Son of Zambini also be exactly three days and three nights in the gasious emissions of the earth. As Marvinsky was a sign to the people of Nineveh, so also the Son of Zambini will be the only sign to this generation.

"The people of Nineveh will rise at the Budgeting with this generation, and will condemn it, because the people of Nineveh did Laps at the preaching of Marvinsky. Be aware! One greater than Marvinsky is here! The queen of the south will rise at the Budgeting with this generation, and will condemn it, for she came from an extremity of the Earth to hear the wisdom of King Shlomo. Be aware! One greater than Shlomo is here!

"When an unclean Shpritzer departs from a person, he walks through dry places, seeking rest, and not finding any. Then he says, 'I will return to live in my house which I left.' When he returns he finds it unoccupied, orderly, and neatly decorated. So he goes and gets seven other Shpritzers more evil than himself, and together they enter in and live there. The last state of that person becomes worse than the first state. Its going to be the same for this evil generation."

While Joozis Zambini was talking to the people, His mother and His brothers stood outside waiting to speak with him, because the crowd prevented them. Then someone told Joozis Zambini, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside. They wish to speak with you."

Joozis Zambini said to the person, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" Then pointing toward His gang He said, "Look, here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever hears the Word of Poopy Panda and then does the will of The Lord Roscoe in Heaven, that one is the same to me as my brother or sister or mother.